Weekend Update: Headlines from 3/17/01 – SNL

Weekend Update: Headlines from 3/17/01 – SNL


[upbeat music] – From Studio 8H in
Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with
Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey. [audience cheers] – I’m Tina Fey. I said it already. – Oh, I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories. People around the world drank
themselves into oblivion today in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,
or as the Irish refer to it, Saturday. – Speaking at an event
in Florida this week, President Bush criticized
democrats saying they, quote, “Want to keep
re-voting the election, “but if they would listen to
America, they would find that “Americans want
to move forward.” Americans responded saying,
“We do wanna move forward. “To 2004.” [cheers and applause] – Attorney general John Ashcroft
wants police in the United States
to end illegal practice of racial profiling. His solution, make it legal. In health news, results of
a recent study suggests that married men are
healthier and live longer than men who are unmarried. And in celebrity news,
happy birthday to Larry King who turns 400 this week. – Pope John Paul II
beatified over 200 candidates for sainthood this week. The candidates were all nuns,
priests, and other heroes from the Spanish Civil War,
plus financier Marc Rich. The Ken doll turned 40
this week. He celebrated quietly with
Stretch Armstrong in Key West. – An Indiana man was convicted
of public indecency for letting his genitals
hang out of his shorts while a shoe store clerk
helped him try on shoes. The clerk said that the
last straw was when the man asked for the shoes
that matched his bag. – Should he need them. The California republican
party says they are very seriously considering
Arnold Schwarzenegger as their next
gubernatorial candidate. Only one man can say for
sure if he’s going to run and Weekend Update
is lucky to have him: Arnold Schwarzenegger. [cheers and applause] – Hello, Tina.
Hello, Jimmy Fallon. There’s been wild speculation
I’m running for governor of California, all of which
is detracted from the truth, which is I’m definitely
going to be the next governor of California. I have the experience. Many people forget I served
two consecutive terms as Mr. Universe, which means
I was technically in charge of the entire universe. So I think I can handle
California over there, okay? I’ll tackle the energy crisis. How do you get energy? You lift weights.
You eat protein. You run your cardiovascular. There, done. California has
an illegal alien problem. For the record, I’ve killed
all kinds of aliens: predators, terminators, me
versus the California aliens. Game over.
Problem solved. So as you can see,
I’m going to be the number one politician. Then after I’m governor,
in a little while I can go and be president. – Actually, Arnold,
you can never be president because you’re not
a natural born citizen. – What are you talking about? I’m as American as baseball
home runs and apple strudel. But okay then, if this
natural born thing becomes a big issue, I’ll just
find some fat cow woman in the Midwest with wide hips,
I’ll go inside her womb and then I’ll come out
again head first waving the American flag. [cheers and applause] Believe me, I could do this
on the Katie Couric show. Or possibly “Entertainment
Tonight,” it’s easy. What’s to stop me from
becoming your leader? Nothing, because I’m
Arnold Schwarzenegger. – Arnold Schwarzenegger,
everybody. [cheers and applause] – Zyban, the prescription
medicated designed to help some people quit smoking is
being sued in three countries by people claiming that family
members who took the drug died suddenly. A spokesperson for the
pharmaceutical company said, “Yes, but are they
still smoking?” – This week George W. Bush
reversed his campaign pledge to limit carbon dioxide
emissions and proposed cutting anti-drug programs for
public housing residents, saying the addicts should
just be evicted instead. Which brings the tally up
to conservative: 97. Compassionate: zero. Good job, George. [applause] – Best-selling suspense
novelist Robert Ludlum died this week, or did he? – Following approval of
an army plan for all soldiers to wear black berets,
the elite army ranger unit switched from their traditional
black berets to tan ones. Army paratroopers who wear
maroon berets and the fabled green berets meanwhile have
also stated that they will not wear the new black berets. In a related story,
these guys need a war. – Students who were invited
to City Hall yesterday to pitch ways to make
dangerous intersections safer for pedestrians. Meanwhile, city government
continues to ignore my cost effective idea
to safeguard pedestrians: Nerf cars. – Pamela Anderson
last week called police after discovering
an obsessed female fan had broken in to her house. In a related story, I really
think we could be friends if you would just
be cool about it. – At a bodega in Queens this
week, armed robbers stole over 100 lottery tickets. The thieves made off with
$6.5 million or nothing. – A Harvard Medical School
study has determined that rectal thermometers
are still the best way to take a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches
the baby who’s boss. – Now I know all of you
at home are wondering, how do they memorize
these jokes, is it magic? No. It’s not magic, in fact,
we just read the jokes off what we in the business
call cue cards. – That’s right, Jimmy. You know what, could we get
a shot of the cut cards? That’s David Copperfield,
our cue card guy. – How you doing?
How are you? [cheers and applause]
Thank you. – This is embarrassing. David, I’m sorry, there’s
no writing on those cards. – Oh. My bad, my bad. – Come on, dude.
[snaps fingers] [chuckles]
Thanks. Cue card guy David Copperfield,
everybody, come on. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update,
I’m Jimmy Fallon. – And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have
a pleasant tomorrow. [cheers and applause]

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    Paul Rone-Clarke

    The more openly left wing this and other MSM programmes become, the more it pushes normal people to the right. Good job SNL. Great job 🙂

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    Ellie F

    Oh god this sketch was before 9/11 holy shit. I was in second grade at the time!! I'm old.

    Young Jimmy looks like a dorky high schooler in the debate club.

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    Maxley

    I gotta say I get the Robert Ludlum joke only because of the movies….and I also just imagined the theme playing in my head.

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    Jackson Tarrant

    Today I learned that America prepped for the war on terror by updating the fashion accessories of green berets. Is this why it took over a decade to catch bin laden?

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    Respect/Walk

    and just think now a joke about killing or even getting rid of illegals would send these libbys screaming with outrage .Dems learned they needed them to win elections

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    Respect/Walk

    No one ever calls her out for the "these guys need a war" remark .She was slamming the military and she got her wish a few months later .

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    totallypreposterous

    I hate Jimmy Fallon. He's so busy always half chuckling at his own jokes he forgot to notice how not funny he is.

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    Carmiella

    Jimmy Fallon! I knew you ARE a creep!!! I feel so vindicated now for disliking you as a young, naive woman. Thank God for God who will keep you away from all the good women. (The good women are excellent goddesses of their own bodies. HUZZAH FOR TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT IN BIRTH CONTROL!!!)

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    Maureen Carey

    That lip-biting and what exactly is he doing with his tongue at 0:31? It drives me crazy and makes me so weak! Anyone else feel the same way?

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    Damon Giles

    You dudes thought Fey was kinda hot didn’t you? Perverts. Yeah I was into her too. Her getup really worked on her. But now we can see it looks ridiculous and we know her for the true slob she is. But girl was a damn funny writer.

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    Amanda Martin

    would always wait for this and go to bed as soon as weekend update ended. was 12 when this aired and remember it.

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    Hellwyck

    "Or as the Irish refer to it… Saturday"
    looks at the crowd and smiles as if he's just made the greatest joke in the world instead of a lazy stereotype

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    QJAndra

    when I saw drug uncle on we can update I was pointing to the TV and looking into the corner of my living room like does anyone see this this is drunk girl and why is it why doesn't anyone know it?!!!!

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