BUT THERE ARE JUST SO MANY
STORIES OUT THERE, I CAN’T POSSIBLY TALK ABOUT THEM ALL. LUCKILY, I DON’T HAVE TO DECIDE
ANY MORE BECAUSE I’M RELINQUISHING EDITORIAL CONTROL
IN MY NEW SEGMENT: ( AUDIENCE )
WHEEL! OF! NEWS! ♪
♪ ♪
>>STEPHEN: HERE’S HOW THIS WORKS. WE’VE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING
WHEEL ON THE CEILING OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH CATEGORIES
— (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
— WITH CATEGORIES LIKE “ENTERTAINMENT,” “POLITICS,
“SPORTS,” AND “GUACAMOLE.” (LAUGHTER)
THOUGH IF IT LANDS ON GUACAMOLE, THAT IS FIFTY CENTS EXTRA. WHEN I PULL THIS LEVER, THE
WHEEL SPINS, THEN I TALK ABOUT WHATEVER CATEGORY IT LANDS ON. HERE’S THE THING. I DIDN’T GIVE THE GUYS ENOUGH
TIME TO FINISH THE DOME. TOTALLY MY FAULT. SO HERE IS WHAT WE’RE GOING TO
DO. SO THIS GUY HOLDING THE POLE
RIGHT HERE — (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THIS IS BRENDAN HURLEY. SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY! (CHEERING)
BRENDAN IS ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK, ITHE BERNIE SANDERS THING THE
OTHER NIGHT, HE WAS UNDER THE DESK FEEDING ME SANDWICHES ON
PLATES. BRENDAN IS ALSO A SCENIC ON THE
SHOW, AND SINCE WE CAN’T GET THE DOME TO WORK RIGHT TONIGHT, HE’S
GOING TO HELP ME WITH THE MODEL WE BASED THE DOME ON, THIS
SPINNING WHEEL. WE’RE GOING TO USE THE MODEL IT
WAS BASED ON TO DO THIS TONIGHT I’M GOING TO SPIN THE WHEEL AND
WHEN IT STOPS, I’LL DO THE THING. YOU GUYS READY TO PLAY? (CHEERING)
SHOW BUSINESS! (LAUGHTER)
YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CLICKY SOUND.>>OKAY. TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK… TICK… TICK.>>Stephen: KEEP TICKING. TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK… TICK LIS… TICK…>>Stephen: OKAY. IT LANDED ON “CHEESE NEWS.”>>DING, DING, DING, DING!>>Stephen: THE LATEST HARD OR
EVEN SEMISOFT NEWS ABOUT KURDLEED DAIRY. THIS WEEK, A SHOCKING DISCOVERY
FROM THE PARMESAN WARS, BECAUSE THE U.S.D.A. REVEALED THAT SOME
CHEESE SUPPLIERS OF GRATED PARMESAN CHEESE HAVE BEEN ADDING
WOOD PULP. (AUDIENCE REACTS)
IS THATHAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S WHAT I SAID. YOUR PARMESAN IS SPORTING WOOD. NOW THEY EXPLAIN THIS WOOD PULP
IS JUST CELLULOSE WHICH IS USED AS AN ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT. AND SURE, “A LITTLE
ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT NEVER HURT ANYONE.” BUT SOMETIMES IT IS A LOT OF IT. A SAMPLE OF PARMESAN FROM ONE
GROCERY CHAIN WAS 8.8% WOOD PULP. BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOUR
LASAGNA IS AS STURDY AS AN IKEA BOOKSHELF. NOW PERSONALLY, I AM OUTRAGED BY
THIS BREACH OF TRUST. I DON’T CHECK ON WHAT GOES INTO
MY MOUTH, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS ASSUMED SOMEONE DOES. NOW! MORE NEWS! MORE NEWS! OKAY. HOLD ON. HOLD ON. YOU SPIN IT. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT PULLS
THE LEVER? GIVE ME YOUR OTHER HAND. READY IN OKAY!>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK!>>Stephen: OH, OH, OH! OH, LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT BE MINI
CLUBMAN INTEGRATION. O, IT LANDS ON “MENTAL HEALTH.”
>>DING, DING, DING, DING! (LAUGHTER)
>>Stephen: OKAY. GREAT, THIS IS A TOPIC THAT IS
NOT COVERED ENOUGH IN THE MEDIA, AND IT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE A
MOMENT TO SHINE A LIGHT ON IT. A BEAUTIFUL LIGHT LIKE… THE INTERIOR AMBIENT LIGHTING
MOLDED INTO THE 2016 MINI CLUBMAN DOORS! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND THAT’S IT FOR “MENTAL HEALTH.” LET’S SPIN AGAIN!>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK,
TICK! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>TICK… TICK… TICK…>>Stephen: ACCORDING TO A
RECENT STUDY, PEOPLE WHO ARE SIGNIFICANTLY
OVERWEIGHT MAY PERCEIVE DISTANCES AS BEING GREATER THAN
THEY ACTUALLY ARE. WHICH EXPLAINS THE OLD JOKE “YO
MAMMA IS SO FAT, HER DEPTH PERCEPTION IS WILDLY
INACCURATE.” (LAUGHTER)
LET’S SPIN AGAIN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>TICK, TICK, TICK…>>Stephen: CLICK WITHOUT
CONTEXT! JIM! (BARKING)
LET’S SPIN AGAIN! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR
BEING WITH ME AT THIS MOMENT. WHICH ONE IS THIS ONE? “SWITCHBLADE LAWS!”
LIKE MOST KNIFE NEWS, THIS ONE COMES FROM WISCONSIN.>>GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER PUT PEN
TO PAPER TODAY TO SIGN NEW LEGISLATION LIFTING THE BAN ON
CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES. THE GOVERNOR SAYS IT’S A MEASURE
PROTECTING FREEDOM SUPPORTED BY THE CONSTITUTION. THE BAN ON SWITCHBLADES HAD BEEN
IN EFFECT SINCE THE 1950S.>>STEPHEN: THAT’S RIGHT. SCOTT WALKER HAS LIFTED
WISCONSIN’S 60-YEAR-OLD BAN ON CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES. I APPLAUD THE GOVERNOR;
SWITCHBLADES ARE THE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF 2016. BECAUSE LET’S SAY YOU ARE JUST
CRUISING DOWN TO THE MALT SHOP WITH YOUR BEST GAL, ONLY TO RUN
INTO SOME TOUGHS WHO WANT TO RACE YOU FOR THE PINKS TO YOUR
T-BIRD. YOU HAVE GOT A CONSTITUTIONAL
RIGHT TO TAKE OUT YOUR BLADE AND SLICE THAT LETTER RIGHT OFF HIS
VARSITY JACKET. REMEMBER, RUMBLES CAN HAPPEN
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE — SOCK HOPS, FIVE-AND-DIMES, THE OLD
AQUEDUCT, JIMMY’S GARAGE WHERE THEY LET YOU SMOKE AFTER SCHOOL. WITHOUT YOUR BLADE, YOU COULD
END UP DEADSVILLE, DADDY-O. KEEP IN MIND, IF YOU ARE NEW TO
IT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO TOSS IT FROM HAND TO HAND. THAT WAY THEY NEVER KNOW WHICH
HAND YOU ARE COMING AT THEM WITH. GIMME NEWS… (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>TICK, TICK, TICK. TICK, TICK, TICK.>>Stephen: I WANT TO WARN OUR
AFFILIATES, WE MIGHT BE GOING LONG.>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.>>Stephen: NATIONAL
MONUMENTS!>>NATIONAL MONUMENTS? TICK, TICK, DING! (LAUGHTER)
>>Stephen: THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE SAYS A
PHILANTHROPIST IS DONATING $18.5 MILLION TO HELP RESTORE THE
LINCOLN MEMORIAL. HOPEFULLY, THAT IS ENOUGH TO
MAKE LINCOLN STAND UP AND TALK — LIKE HE DOES AT DISNEY
WORLD. PERSONALLY, I THINK THE MONEY
WOULD BE BETTER SPENT ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. THAT THING LOOKS NOTHING LIKE
HIM. THERE YOU GO. (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET’S PRETEND I SPUN IT!>>TICK, TICK, TICK!>>Stephen: FIVE SECOND
SAXOPHONE SOLO, HIT IT, EDDY! ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>>Stephen: MORE NEWS! “A RECENT STUDY!”
AGAIN. A RECENT STUDY SAYS HUMANS AND
NEANDERTHALS INTERBRED 50,000 YEARS EARLIER THAN PREVIOUSLY
THOUGHT, PROVING SOMETHING ELSE IS 50,000 YEARS OLDER THAN WE
THOUGHT: BEER GOGGLES. (LAUGHTER)
WANT TO TRY? WE’RE GOING FOR ENTERTAINMENT.>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK,
TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK, TICK…>>Stephen: I’VE GONE AROUND
ALL THE WAY ONCE. I DON’T THINK IT’S ON HERE!>>DING!>>Stephen: THERE IT IS! ENTERTAINMENT! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE OSCAR PRODUCERS ARE NOW PROMISING THAT THIS TELECAST
WILL BE “THE MOST DIVERSE EVER.” THAT’S RIGHT, PEOPLE OF EVERY
RACE, COLOR, AND CREED WILL BE ON HAND TO GIVE A TROPHY TO
WHATEVER WHITE PERSON WINS. (LAUGHTER)
>>Stephen: WELL, THAT’S IT, FOLKS! LET’S GIVE IT ONE MORE SPIN! IT BETTER BE ON HERE! I DON’T KNOW! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THERE IT IS! READY? OH! COMMERCIAL BREAK! PERFECT! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TEÉA
LEONI!
Comments
Author
Why does Max Headroom seem more and more like a reality show?
(YT is saying there are only 11 comments here, and there are pages and pages. Wonder how thumbs up there actually are? How many actual views?)
Author
Giant wheel on the ceiling.
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I swear their is nothing Colbert cannot hide under his desk!
Author
? Did a swichblade-ban stop crime? Or lower it? No. Criminals can buy and carry them, since they don't care about the laws. Only law-abiding peaceful people can't do it. Then what's the point of banning it? Switchblades got banned, because some movies. That's just nonsense. And YES, IT IS an important issue. It's a Constitutional Right issue. I never owned one, I never even touched a switchblade, but even I think it's important to lift the ban.
Author
That's a Doble Action OTF Knife, so that's not just really expensive but also very illegal not a normal switchblade nor a thumb-lock knife
Author
Why was the politician signing the "switchblade laws" using so many pens?
Author
That sax solo was pretty sick.
Author
I wonder what other things he does for Stephen under the desk…
Author
"your parmesan has been sporting wood" is the most dirty and vile joke to ever come out of Stephen Colbert mouth.
Author
I hope they require conceal carry switchblade permits.
Author
At 7:03 and 7:10, arrow almost points to "LOVE RIOT" !
Author
This is the best Colbert segment I have ever seen. xD
Author
This was so great! You guys are so much fun!
Author
This segment is a mess. I love it.
Author
Hilldog barking is the funniest thing i've ever seen.
Author
hahaha, fucking hilarious, all the shenanigans! Way to save it lol, perfect!
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"Mental Health!" *Pushes assistant away… lol
Author
this is perfect
Author
That was a horrible situation, but you guys handled it awesomely. tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick
Author
Why did he use so many pens to sign?
Author
he kinda reminds me of Paceyyyy
Author
Have I Got News For You ripoff. Wheel of News indeed….
Author
Colorado State University represent!
Author
OMG so much cuteness!
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You think they'd pick a smaller person to be under his desk.
Author
Colbert is so good and just running with a gig even if things go wrong. love him!
Author
There's always someone under the desk holding the pole, isn't there Stephen?
Author
I can say tik tik better than him. I deserve that job!
Author
This is a very subtle dig at Jimmy Fallon and his "Random" wheel of musical impressions!!
Author
5:48 Okay, someone explain why he needs an array of pens to sign a single sheet of paper…
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H
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have I got news for you
Author
Brilliant!
Perfect!!
Went off without a hitch!
Author
the sandwich bit was classic…
Author
We want a full episode of this Wheel of News!!!
Author
5:19
Author
No "Beatles" Category? Huh? Ed Sullivan Theater….come on…She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah, She Loves You, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, She Loves You and You Know That Can't Be Bad…
Author
My Parmesan is 8.8% vegan?! This is an outrage!
Author
Although Brandon is chubby, I would totally fuck him.
Author
Tha switch blade!!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂
Author
The Washington Monument better resembles Bill Clinton…
Author
Oh god i died at the hillary clinton clip
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"you gotta go further…"
xD
Author
That was a 3-second sax solo.
Author
Mental health is…letting the confederates drive???
Author
What a fun show to work on! Long live Colbert
Author
He could just find enough news to cover every space on the wheel, making the wheel actually have a purpose..
Nah, this way's funnier.
Author
Wait I'm confused why did walker need that many pens to sign?
Author
AL PRINCIPIO DEL VIDEO, EL TIPO ES UN CLON GORDO Y YANKEE DE GUIDO KACZKA JAJAJAJA let me see the repe :v
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A ver, pasame la repe.
Author
What's up, ys? Fupny fire downtown $ 11
Author
5:48 –> Could someone explain to me what the hell is with all the pens?
Author
Question: Why does Scott Walker sign it with 30 pens?
Author
He's cheating
Author
He's still not as good as he was on the Colbert Report I know he had to change but this skit was one the reminded me of the ol days lol
Author
Why was there civil war soldiers in the mini?
Author
Heh, he said dick.
Author
"Commercial Break! We'll be back with slightly more professionalism"
Author
ok are we not gonna talk about the guy using like 20 different pens to sign one thing???
Author
so p.s. Brendan is super cute
Author
Brendan is Colbert's Aaron Blayart
Author
Wow, uh…Hilary does an amazing puppy impression
Author
why were there so many pens?
Author
brendan fucking rules
Author
so behind every successfull man's desk hides a supporter, got it ^^
Author
this is honestly one of the best ones i've seen. I love you Stephen. You are a hero in these dark times.
Author
that clip without context was 3 seconds of pure gold.
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I had fun.
Author
A perfect way to startup a new segment
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someone else did the tic tic sound while the roulette was spinning?
Author
This was 9:50 of pure adorableness
Author
This was soo funny! 😂😂
Author
I miss these segments. u know I love the political stuff. but bring this back
Author
Please give Brennan a raise.
Author
Colbert is great because he can turn a cringy moment into comedy gold.
Author
please bring back the wheel of news!!!
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See perfect proof that this show isn't scripted at all…… lol
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Scot Walker is really Dick Romans
Author
We now have a commander in cheese
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He looks like James Cordon.
Author
Not just fat people ill people too. I've had 5 surgeries on my legs , the last 2 have sapped my endurance. I dread anywhere with hills.
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have you been watching have I got news for you? stephen
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I wish you could Like youtube videos multiple times!
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In a nation where it's considered a fundamental right for anyone, ANYONE to carry a firearm. They repealed a law banning switchblades.
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"Oh, it lands on mental health."
"Ding, ding, ding, ding."
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Sooo good
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I really dislike that Brendan guy.
Why can he hug Stephen and I can't?
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I miss this segment! I like it better than MEANWHILE
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is that guy related to Nick Offerman?
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This was such a cute segment! Super fun from start to finish 🙂
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Brendan was a great sport
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Is stephen gay?
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LOL!
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Zzzeeeeeeetickticktick … Tick .. tick lol
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I love that Stephen says he didn’t give the crew enough time rather than just blaming them. This is absolutely delightful
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this bit is a trainwreck. still funny tho. great job!
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You need to bring the wheel back!
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I miss the Wheel of News
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Hello Brendan xoxo
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On the preview it looked like he was doing it with Rachel Maddow. Now I'm slightly disappointed ^^