The Future of News Broadcasting

Tonight on D-News: Winter is coming and with it, the tradition every tax payer looks forward to. A robotic foreign dignitary is threatening our livelyhood, once again, and we say goodbye to an old but beloved American past time, so stay tuned for D-News. Coming at ya live from the VR broadcast station in New York it’s the evening news, with America’s favorite cloned news team The Weavermans! Good evening, goodeveninggoodeveninggoodevening It’s Saturday, January 23rd 2072 and I’m Derrick Weaverman. And I’m Chris Weaverman. And we’re here to let you know all about what happened in your world today. But first, let’s get that ball rolling, by going over to correspondent Cliff Weaverman for sports. Thanks Derrick, now as you all know we’re not allowed to actually talk about the results of sporting events due to ESPN copyrighting scores but what I can tell you is that last night one football player was lucky enough to finally take enough steroids and cocaine during half time to achieve teleportation, this makes
football the third sport to achieve teleporti- a teleporting effect on one of it’s athletes due to the result of
performance-enhancing drugs. Right behind basketball and competitive
Instagram. phew, I feel the burn!…if you wanna catch a rerun of that game tonight You can catch it on ESPN 33.5. Also in sports today was that ESPN representatives announced that all baseball would be canceled as a result of no one caring about that unmanly sport. (PHEW) They went on to announce that all baseball stadiums would be
replaced with Super Starbucks and that they were already 3D printing the buildings, and employees required that means most locations should be open in about six hours. (PHEW) And 1000… So, Chris what do you say we wrap up early and get
there before all the hipsters do Am I right? Haha! indeed you are Cliff, and from sports to survival: yes, it’s that time of year again everyone the annual thinning of the herd. It’s getting colder outside, which means it’s the perfect time to let natural selection do it’s thing, and put humanity to the test, as we release all the elderly (provided they’re middle class and below) out into the wild, and see which ones can survive until Spring using their own, wit, stamina, and traumatizing flashbacks to their time in the the military where they risked their lives, to defend our perfect country. President and former pop star, North West started the event off, as he does every year, with an official Tweet wishing them all “good luck” and how he hopes they don’t die this message was expressed through the use of a thumbs up emoji followed by a four leaf clover, then a girl crossing her arms in an x, and a skull. The event began at 7:30 this morning and it’s been reported that an estimated
700,000 of the 14 million seniors participating have already met their bitter demise, as the first day of the event comes to a close. Vice President, Taylor Swift estimates that we could save as much as 3.5 billion dollars this year as a result of not having to pay for
thoseblood sucking people any longer 3.5 billion Derrick!? Yes indeed. It’s
clear that since the event first started the weight on tax payers shoulders has been gradually getting lifted. Well that’s just fantastic. After all, as they say: “Who needs morals, when you can have money” One of our interns, Chad Weaverman, actually got to talk to some old lady, before things kicked off when asked how she felt about, this whole thing, she responded with, and I quote “Are you my grandson?” Aww, that’s adorable. Haha yeeeah, she’s probably dead already. And, good riddance too, how dare she expect us hard working people to support her, when she’s too senile, to even realize that she’s senile I couldn’t agree more. Now before we go on, Let’s hear a word from our sponsor. Hello there friend! Tell me, do you enjoy looking at things? Talking to people? Using the bathroom? Owning a computer? Owning a car? Or just walking outside of your “private property”? well then you already give us money, So just keep doing what you’re doing, you! Google: there is no escape. Well read, Chris. Thanks Derrick. In other news, a Facebook picture by Betty White, of the lunch she was having that day has been the source of fire recently, after a soccer mom in Idaho complained that the picture offended her because she was on a diet. After which many people who need to feel like they’re doing the right thing in order to feel like they’re worth anything more in the eyes of our infinite universe started to boycott against Betty White, saying things like “You’re so selfish” and “Do you just hate obese people? You make me sick, Betty White, with your ‘pictures of food.'”Betty White has since taken down the photo in question and has issued a public apology, which was broadcasted live. The apology was broadcasted on the “Famous People Apologizing Just
to Shut Everyone Up” channel and was watched
by over 1.2 million Americans making it the second most watched “thing” on TV that night, losing only, and understandably, to the finale of “Frozen: The Animated Series'” twenty-fifth season. Oh hey! I have that recorded I can’t wait to watch it, on my way home from work.
It was really good, I recommend you all check it out, and also be sure to check out the premier of Sherlock’s fifth season, this Wednesday on
BBC America 2 and now the weather, with weatherperson, Ted Weaverman. Ted? Thanks alot Chris and Derrick and uuh..yeah! It’s really dark right now, and I know nothing about meteorology but I assume it’s gonna rain, except in the areas where it’s not going to rain. But you know what?If it’s really that important you can ask your smart phone, who needs me? No one watches the news for the weather anymore, my girlfriend left me, my life sucks, but who am I kidding? That’s not news! So let’s go back to Chris and Derrick, at the desk, I need to calm down. thank you Thanks Ted, for that wonderful report. (I hate my life! *Thud*) Just smoke that joint Ted! Anyways, Russia’s at it again. Cyborg Overlord of Russia, Vladmir Putin v 1.45 has issued a threat to the U.S in regards to the president’s actions at the recent summit, where he asked Mr. Putin, “How does masturbating work? You know. With those robotic leg things, of yours. at the time, Mr. Putin simply chuckled in response, but his one robotic eye starting to glow red seemed to indicate that he was more upset with our president, than he let on. Russia has since released a statement, saying, that our ignorant president shall be the Americans’ downfall. and any further intolerance from any US officials shall be met with swift and violent repercussions. The President, when asked what he thought this message would mean for the fate of global relations, had this to say: “YOLO am I right? Also my new CD comes out next month, so be sure to download it. Peace out, America.” after which, everyone in the audience stood up, and applauded for several minutes after he left. What an inspiring display of patriotism… and or blind loyalty. Speaking of loyalty you know whose customer loyalty program is just top notch? our next sponsor. Let’s hear a word from that sponsor right now. Your heart pounds in your chest, as you dash across the room. You finally reach the light switch and
find, to your dismay that it’s already been turned on. The lightbulbs must’ve burnt out. You panic as the creatures wet footsteps makes it’s way ever closer to you. Finally it stops just in front of you. And you can barely make out it’s grotesque features in the darkness. The decaying
flesh. Big dark orbs for it’s multiple fish-like eyes. And the last thing you experienced in this life. Is it’s ice cold breath, with an overwhelming stench of death against your frightened face. Costco Where you can buy more light bulbs, than you’ll ever need. Man, I sure do love Costco. so many things, for such little prices. And in financial news Apple is in it’s final moves to copyright
sleep. What this means for us audience is that we can finally look forward to
going to sleep- WHAT!? What is it Derrick? CAROL’S CHEATING ON ME! She is? With one of our own clones no less! (oh?) Number… 37! Oh hey! 37, I know him, that’s Gerald Weaverman… Wait Gerald’s not gay? OHOHOOO so he has a name does he? Well..yeah, I mean, most of us d-
Well he’s DEAD NOW! I’m scared, audience. man I can’t l believe this! I gotta go find that asshole! Wait! Wai-wha-Like right now? (Hell yeah, right now!) But we’re in the middle of a show tho- Alright…uhh…(Sounds of anger in background) Okay he’s walking around the studio he should be calm though, I mean he’s just trying to walk around and n…oh! He flipped a table…Alright umm… Ok…no…yeah Okay, he smashed an art piece. Yeah, alright, and… He’s calming down a bit though, I think. Oh! Yeah, he’s walking back, he’s walking back and Ye-Nope! He punched out the camera man.. alright and there goes the camera *SLAM*
aaand he left I’m ICS goin’ what you mean play it off over brutally put the current didn’t
know you will love the thin I guess you could learn in horror under an hour our that seems good there and then cameras roll in my audio is do good alright I’m let’s get back to it I’m welder art if you’re watching this run
new this run could not be open pretty mad I’m but a typical the coming up for today so I’m doing this tomorrow america bro be
joined by either a replacement for limited both love my partner and we’ll
be continuing our discussion on Oahu Liz ok yeah it’s probably gonna
be replacement for my partner and join us tomorrow if you would like
to be discussed in the bond renovate my former colleague is currently on and how you presumably and it on probably very tall building the round by the SWAT team as they
opened fired on them stay classy America because lower character oh yeah okay but over the in

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