So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show

So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show

If you were keeping up
with the news today, you probably know that it was,
uh, more chaotic than Free Cocaine Day
at Dave & Buster’s. And, personally,
I’m disappointed, because we had
a whole show planned, and it was gonna be
a great show. You know? We figured out
who killed Jeffrey Epstein, but we had
to throw it all out the window because there was so much
breaking news, too much news, in fact. Luckily, though, too much news
is just the right amount of news for a segment we call
Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) If you’re friends
with a government ethics expert and you’re wondering why
their head randomly exploded into little pieces today, it’s probably because
they saw this. President Trump is hosting
a major meeting of world leaders next year at his Miami area
resort and golf property. Next year’s G7 summit
will take place at the Trump National Doral
in Miami. The move is raising questions
about whether hosting this large event at one
of the president’s businesses is a violation of ethics rules. Wow. That is crazy. The president is making
world leaders hold a giant event at his own resort? Like, it really seems
like there’s nothing Trump wouldn’t do
to profit off the presidency. Like, I bet you
he’s gonna be outside his own impeachment trial,
just scalping tickets. He’s gonna be standing outside
there. He’s like, “Tickets, tickets. “Who needs tickets
to my impeachment? “You want some tickets?
Best seats in the house. Come on, y’all.
Right next to me.” And also,
if I was a world leader, I wouldn’t want
to stay at Trump’s resort. I don’t trust him.
I don’t trust him. Like, Trump would probably sneak
into your room to try and find dirt
on Joe Biden. Yeah. He’d just be, like, at the door,
like, “Housekeeping! “Oh, did someone leave
these files on the floor? I’ll get rid of it for you!
Basura. Basura.” (laughter) Now, on a normal day
in a normal presidency, we would spend all our time
talking about how shady it is that Trump is forcing world
leaders to host the G-7 Summit at his golf club
that he makes money from, especially considering
how he always brags about how he doesn’t profit
from the presidency. But today’s not a normal day, and this is not
a normal presidency, because while
he’s inviting foreign leaders to his Miami golf club, American leaders are
storming out of the White House. MAN:
Shortly after a House vote where more than 100 Republicans
joined Democrats condemning the president’s abrupt withdrawal
of U.S. troops from Syria, a heated confrontation
inside the White House. That clash between President
Trump and top Democrats spilling out onto the steps
of the West Wing. I pray for the president
all the time. I think now
we have to pray for his health, because this was
a very serious meltdown on the part of the president. MAN: President Trump hitting
back, accusing Democrats of storming out,
using the same language as Pelosi against her,
tweeting, “She had a total meltdown
in the White House today. “It was very sad to watch.
Pray for her. She is a very sick person.” -(audience groans)
-Aah. Okay. I know you are,
but what am I? (laughter) I like how
when Trump is insulted, he just steals that insult
verbatim with zero shame. Like, maybe
this is how you trick him into getting out
of the White House. You just be like,
“I’m sick of you! I resign.” “No, I’m sick of you. I resign. Aah! Damn it. No.
Wait, wait, wait.” (applause and cheering) Also… also, it’s funny
how they’re fighting, but they both say they’re gonna
pray for each other. You know what they remind me of? They remind me
of those old church ladies who act really nice in public, but then,
pray-insult each other. They’ll be like, “Dear Lord,
please give me the strength “not to whack this fool
up side the head. “And if I did, Jesus, please
give this woman some sense before I whip her ass
like the father she never had!” (laughter) Now when the day started,
it seemed like we were gonna spend all our time
talking about the beef between Trump and the Democrats,
but we didn’t have time to talk about the beef, because then news broke
about the Turkey. MAN:
Breaking news in Turkey. The United States says
it has helped to broker a five-day cease-fire involving Turkish forces
in Northern Syria. Vice President Mike Pence
making that announcement today after meeting with Turkish
president Recep Erdogan. MAN 2: Today in Texas, President
Trump called the cease-fire, “an amazing outcome.” The Kurds are very happy,
Turkey is very happy, the United States is very happy. And you know what? Civilization is very happy. It’s a great thing
for civilization. Yes, civilization is very happy. Centuries from now,
historians will look back at the greatest achievements
of all time– the development of democracy,
the invention of electricity and the time Trump negotiated
a really short cease-fire in a war
that he basically started. Ah, yes,
what a great achievement! (applause and cheering) It’s civilization. And you know what?
If we had the time, we would be discussing
how disingenuous it is of Trump to claim
that this is a peace deal when, in fact,
the Kurds just got screwed over, because the deal is
that they have five days to leave the land,
and then Turkey gets the land. That’s the deal. Yeah.
Doesn’t sound like a deal. Sounds like the kind of deal
I had with my high school bully. I would give him my lunch money, and he would give me
a black eye. Win, win. Yeah. But unfortunately, we don’t have
the time to talk about that. Because while Turkey is getting
the Kurds out of Syria, the Democrats are trying to get
Trump out of the White House. And today, the latest witness
in the impeachment inquiry was dropping bombs like
he was invading the Middle East. In the impeachment inquiry,
Gordon Sondland is a key witness. In his opening statement,
he said President Trump told
U.S. officials to talk directly to his personal lawyer
Rudy Giuliani about U.S. policy in Ukraine. And he said
he didn’t know until later that Giuliani’s agenda included pushing Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden. And he says
that throughout this time, he was working
to-to get Ukraine to advance an investigation
into corruption, into Burisma. He had no idea
that that meant Joe Biden. He had no idea
that that meant Hunter Biden. (laughing):
Oh. Oh, this is slick from Sondland. He’s now saying that he did
put pressure on Ukraine, but he didn’t know it had
anything to do with Joe Biden. You see what he’s doing. He’s trying to distance himself
from what Trump did. Yeah, he’s basically like, “I didn’t know
it was a bank robbery, guys. “I just went in with my friends,
I gave the bank teller a note, and they gave me the money.” It’s like, “Really? You didn’t
know it was a robbery? Then why were you wearing
a mask?” “I just thought
we were all cold! I thought we were all cold!” I honestly wish we had more time to go through Ambassador
Sondland’s full testimony, because he had a lot to say. But Mick Mulvaney,
Trump’s chief of staff, and Excel spreadsheet
came to life– he came out, and he held
a surprise press conference, and shocked everyone
in the room. We’re following breaking news. A truly stunning admission
from the White House. Acting chief of staff
Mick Mulvaney directly contradicting
President Trump on a quid pro quo with Ukraine, saying hundreds of millions
of dollars in U.S. military aid was tied to an investigation of Democrats
in the 2016 election. MAN: So the demand for an
investigation into the Democrats -was part of the reason that
he ordered… -It was on the… …to withhold funding
to Ukraine? The-the look back
to what happened in 2016 certainly was-was part
of the thing that he was worried about
in corruption with that nation. -And that is absolutely
appropriate. -Withholding the… MAN: What you just described
is a quid pro quo. We do that all the time
with foreign policy. And I have news for everybody.
Get over it. There’s going to be political
influence in foreign policy. Okay, hold up. Hold up. Trump has said
on multiple occasions, “No quid pro quo of any kind.” Now, middle-aged Harry Potter
is coming out saying that there was a certain type
of quid pro quo, but everyone must get over it? That’s it? Just get over it?
Everybody does it? So this is, what–
locker room corruption? Is that what this is? And I’m not gonna lie. This is
a twist I didn’t see coming. Yeah. It’s like the murder
suspect in a Law & Order episode confessing
in the middle of the… just, like,
in the middle of the scene. Just being like, “Yeah,
I committed the double homicide, “but the real question here is, “are you gonna be a little bitch
about it? Huh? “The person is dead.
Ain’t nothing gonna change. Now we gonna eat them or not?
What are we doing?” (applause) So in 24 hours, in 24 hours, we had Trump hosting the G-7
at his golf club, Turkey getting the greatest deal
of all time, no quid pro quo,
but also quid pro quo, a showdown in the White House, and we but didn’t even have time
to tell you that Rick Perry, who is tied
to the whole Ukraine scandal, abruptly resigned today.
And you know what? This might be the true genius
of Donald Trump. ‘Cause you realize
with one scandal, you get kicked out of office. But with seven in one day… ain’t nobody got time for that.


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    Jack Meeoff

    Fuck the Kurds they are just getting what they deserve when they teamed up with Turkey and committed genocide against the Armenians. Turkey's time will come as karma will bite them in the ass soon enough.

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    Marco ' V

    Trump is actually going to reveal all his fraud/scandals…..IQ45 hosts rallies to quickly disarm/desensitise his base before they hear about his scandals , his tactic normalise stupidity/scandals – "if I say it first they will believe me , anyone reporting contrary to it …is fake news !

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    JJ DD

    Dumb ass … Turkey is not getting the Land of Syria… Tutkey cleaning the Land from terorists that way the indigenous Syrians can get back to thier Land …
    Get inform … not filthy CRAPPPP news

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    Mohammed Sadar

    Lol and America wonders why the rest of the world hates them. Actually I feel sorry for the sane American people that stand for what's right.

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    The republicans are sending out a statement that it's all true. This sounds a bit like changing the locks on the door when your, soon to be, ex lover leaves the house!

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    Torben S

    I bet Erdogan sits in his palace in a big golden chair and laughs his head of, thinking how stupid Trump is. He now holds all the cards and Trump, well except his empty threat of destroying Turkey's economy, nothing.

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    Shane Thomas

    Shit, Tchump is doing a great job! Bringing all the closet racists out… bringing attention to the corruption in government… the bribe taking "congressmen" …uniting 2/3 of the country… advancing American social issues… Exposing Major news outlet lies and biases …Exposing the holes in our checks and balances system… exposing our antiquated electoral college system… Tchump Sucks …but he makes a great #ENEMA

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    “Get over it.”

    Jesus… like, can I quote you on that, Mulvaney? Because I’m going to. A lot. Every time republicans complain about ANY allegation of corruption against democrats from this day forward.

    But her emails? Get over it.

    Hunter Biden was allegedly doing shady stuff? Get over it.

    FBI agents who were part of an investigation into Trump didn’t like him but were then removed from the investigation? Get over it.

    This regime is opening up all manner of political floodgates. The Trumpican Party truly has come to embody the inverse of Michelle Obama’s ideal:

    She says “they go low, we go high.”

    Trump and his people respond “they go high, we go as low as humanly possible… and then go a little bit lower because eff you.”

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    Fred Jones

    Republicans suffer from a disease called TBS Trump Bullshit Syndrome!! Caused by Drinking too much Kool Aid!! ONLY known cure is 🇺🇸🌊 🇺🇸🌊 🇺🇸🌊 🇺🇸🌊 🇺🇸🌊 🇺🇸

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    The same Joe Biden that created the Kosovo war scenario. There is a whole bunch of dirt on him, come on. No one needs Ukraine's help for that.

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    no one

    Dude bought his way in, he own you now and he'll be pimpin till came election and even then I fear he dont pull a Kim Jong un

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    Aj Pal

    I like ur show just font lie like trump, minuit 5 u said turkey will kick kurds out of seria, no just push them away from borders , kurds control larg peace of seria much of it were for arabs and turk who were forced to leave it after kurds attacked them by american weapons , isis is group of mercenaries financed by emirate and ksa controlled by dictators intellegece approved by USA and russia as an execuse to divid and rob and weaken arab countries for the benefit of israel, i dare u to say this on ur show

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    CG H

    Hey, dont insult Harry Potter. Mulvaney could never. 😂

    I miss the days when I didnt watch the news…all of this is too much. They need to hurry up and get Trump out.

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    Classic trump to any scandal.

    1. News and sources report a scandal.
    2. Deny it ever happens. Fake news.
    3. Okay, it did happen, but it nothing illegal about it.
    4. Maybe, it’s a lil shady but still nothing of the scale the news is reporting.
    5. Fine, it did happen and it’s all true. So what? It always happens.
    6. But Obama, but Obama….

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    Samuel Yeo

    He created the mess and still had the gall to claim it as an achievement ! How on earth would the Syrian Kurds and Turkey be happy with this temporary ceasfire ? Kurds in Turkey,Syria and Iraq are under attack all their lives.

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    Wtf ? Trump is really forcing his lackeys to organize the g7 summit at his golf club ?
    Damn, every other world leader should deny to join.

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    That sensible guy

    I remember the time when The Daily Show was so much funnier without so much politics talk all the time.

    I miss Stewart.

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    STeVe PNW


    Trump is going to fly Air Force One to Moscow

    and claim ASYLUM


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    Ronald Stormy

    Trump is not a lawyer or a politicion. Finally we have a president with common sense and has a pair. Obama was so spineless. Rumored to be a crossdresser.

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    Sinista I.Z.

    I don't know about anyone else but I'm so tired of this guy and his corruption. It's three years into his presidency and the only accomplishment he has is giving a tax break to the super rich and throwing the world into chaos. He and his family need to be arrested and thrown in jail for the countless laws they have broken and their assets need to be seized and given to the American people and those who lost children at the border. He's a embarrassment to the United states and a clear and present danger to people around the globe.

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    Clorox Bleach

    The Constitution Article I Section 9 Paragraph 8 : “And no Person holding any Office of…Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument…of any kind whatever, from any…foreign State.”

    Trump : 😗💦 spits on document 😗💦

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    Richard Nichols

    The White House looks like an insane asylum. All the crazies are running around doing nutty shit, and nobody is doing anything to fix it because they know there is no hope. Starts with Trump and goes off the rails from there. Crazy and crooked people everywhere and all through the Congress too. This country needs a serious enema. Wake up people and take the country back from the crooks and the seriously mentally ill. This country was off the rails with Dumbo Bush in the White House and endless stupidity, but with Trump this is nothing short of a clown shit show. Democrats have had some doozies, but Republicans you are Two for Two on electing just plain idiots to the highest office in the land. What the hell will your number three look like? How do you get stupider and more crooked than Trump? This nation is in serious decline and nobody is driving. We are headed off of a cliff. Just wait until the bills come due from this administration. Look at the mess Bush left us in.

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    Jenifer Hargrove

    Don't listen to this guy he's a paid actor saying what he gets told i used to like him but this is ridiculous not one time on his show has he talked about bush invading iraq for no reason causing way more deaths than trump or the clinton scandles i don't agree with trump i just think it's insane how this is supposed to be a democracy with free press but if you have the money they will spin a story how ever you want

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    Moha Ozil

    if truph will not be impeached then there is no need america to tell the world about the law no one will listen to them because that shows you can make the law and break it but that applies to the rich American people only as for the rest you are passengers

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    Squishy Productions

    You really didn't see this coming? I called this week's ago. Deny it while accusing everyone else of doing it, then admit to it while trying to play it off as normal. This is Republican Dodging 101.

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    Mike Young

    Despots always invite world leaders to their compound. You don't see anyone complaining about Putin's practices do you????

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    Mondo Shredder

    With Tricky Dick there were 'Nam War and Cambodia cover-ups, and of course the biggy that eventually brought down – Watergate. Now we have Donny, who's throwing so many Watergates at us from every direction on a daily basis that no one seems to be able to document them all, much less how to investigate them properly.
    Leaders should select their favorite 5 from the last 12 months and go with those %110 while ignoring all of his other distractions for now. They will be more than enough to bring this scum down…

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    Alexander Elliott

    Ain't nobody got time for that…! Dam. If something resonates most with how my cohorts and I see shit, it is that phrase right there. LOL.

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    Kiere Luurs

    Oh please, no 'EpSTEEN' or the worst: 'WeinSTEEN'. It's Epstein and Weinstein.
    Language 'geniuses' the Americans, 'u kno i aint no speak no forin shit'.

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    Sues Anna

    The next 100 years the US has to elect only smart, emotional intelligent and amazing presidents to get the smell out of failure and embarrassment out of the White House. I’m so glad I’m not American sooo glad.

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    Gyanankur Patgiri

    I bet trump cant do that fake housekeeping thing to his voice will be recognized..i also bet that he cant change his voice to some other kind cz his mouth has has been moulded fixed in that shape because of talking like he always do

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    Ian Luquis Rivera

    I gotta say.. if trump ever decides to go into managing wrestlers he will give Paul Heyman a run for his money 😂😂😂😭😭😂😂

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    Kadir G.

    Turkey is the country with the highest Kurdish population of approx. 16 Million (Syria 1.7 mil) while Istanbul is the largest Kurdish City in the World.
    Kurds and Turks live without any single problems together in Turkey and Kurds are represented in all levels of the Society – Turkey had Prime Ministers and even Presidents, who were ethnically Kurds.
    Therefore, to call “the military operation is against the Kurds” is an allegation no normal human mind and intelligence should even dare to phrase. This is an insult to all the Turkish Populations including the 16 Million Kurds!
    The operation is against the Marxist (yes Marxist) and separatist Terrorist Group PKK/PYD – this group is branded as “Terrorist” not only by Turkey – but from the USA and even also by the EU!
    The Turkish Forces already proofed themselves in the fight against DAESH (ISIS) and surely will not let them revive as so many doubters or ill-intentioned persons try to question.
    Since April 2011 over 4 million refugees of every age found shelter in Turkey.
    For those, the Turkish Government spend already directly over 40 Billion USD Taxpayers Money. But the burden Turkey is carrying is not only financial. As we speak, every day the huge social, and security risks are getting unbearable.
    Unfortunately, we Turks are feeling left alone in the task of carrying those burdens. EU not even sent 3 Billion Euros for the refugee relieve.
    Hundreds of thousands of refugees, mostly those from that Border areas, are expected to move voluntarily to the Safe Zone that will be established.
    I hope that our friends in the USA will understand and give Turkey the right to defend itself in such a crucial time and in the highest Matter of National Security.

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    Jennifer Coleman

    My cousin is a republican bigot her husband is worse. To tell someone you are going to pray for them when there isn't a reason to is saying. Everything you stand for is nothing to me. ….it's very vile and just shoves their vile religious views down your throat. My kids transgender, my cousins husband told me, he would pray for "her" when he goes by HIM

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    Faisal Khan

    ima huge fan of this show n trevor noah but hes beggining to sound more like FAKE NEWS these days..operation peace spring is meant for clearing the border towns of YPG terrorists
    u been bombing syrian towns all these years n now turkey has started an operation to clear out YPG as they possess a direct threat to turkish civillians…..just like all other FAKE NEWS out there daily show isnt getting their facts right this time.go search YPGs history n how many people they have killed…yes hes a comedian but many people get their news from here

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    -The dog- Brian Griffin

    Rich man mentality. He really thinks he owns the country and the people
    I wish someone would just punch him. Or set him up on fire.

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    Thomas Thobaben

    All you have to do is follow the money with Trump. Screw the Kurds, Saudi Arabia pays in cash. Lets move the troops to SA.

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