News Smash: Trump’s Impeachment, Putin’s Press Conference, The Rise of Skywalker, Xmas Weed

-Guys, there’s so much
going on right now. Today, the President of
the United States was impeached. Over in Russia,
Vladimir Putin is about to have his big year-end
press conference. The movie “Star Wars:
Rise of Skywalker” comes out tomorrow. And a man at a Nashville airport
got busted with 84 pounds of weed wrapped
like Christmas presents. There’s a lot to go over. Let’s just jump in
and cover it all at once. It’s time for a “News Smash.” ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Ding ] -First, President Trump
got impeached today, and he’s not happy about it. He wrote an angry letter,
sent hundreds of tweets, and shouted at his staff. He needs to chill out. And you know what’s great
for chilling out? Christmas weed. 84 pounds of it was found
wrapped like presents at the airport in Nashville. That’s enough weed
to get you really high. So high that you end up in a galaxy far, far away. The new “Star Wars” movie
hits theaters tomorrow, and there are so many questions
left to be answered. Will Luke come back?
Will Kylo Ren win? Will Rey change course and cross
over to the dark side? Tomorrow, Putin is holding
his annual press conference, where he talks to reporters
for hours. But no matter what
he does or says, there’s no way
he’ll ever be impeached. Trump is furious. He spent the day yelling
at his staff and tweeting while
he laid on the couch. If he’s not careful,
he could end up looking like Jabba the Hutt. Now, that was a character. He loved sitting around all day,
eating snacks, kind of like someone
who loves Christmas weed. When you get busted at
the airport for your Christmas cheer, your Christmas cheer
turns into Christmas fear. If you’re a reporter in Russia, that’s what you feel looking
in Putin’s eyes. Ask the wrong question,
and you could go missing. You could disappear,
just like Jar Jar Binks. We won’t see him
in the new movie and we won’t see
Baby Yoda either. And when fans find out there’s
no little Baby Yoda, J.J. Abrams
is gonna get impeached. So, in conclusion,
may the force be with you. May the Senate be with you. [ Russian accent ]
Don’t worry. I’ll be with you. May the 420 be with you. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. Well, guys, today,
the House of Representatives officially voted to
impeach President Trump. Of course, it’s a dark stain
on his legacy, but on the bright side,
Trump finally managed to win a popular vote. That’s right. Trump’s allies are worried
about the stain that the impeachment
will leave on his legacy. Although, when a guy wears
that much spray tan, I don’t think he cares about
the stains he leaves behind. Yep, today,
Trump became the third U.S. president to be impeached. It was Bill Clinton in 1999,
Andrew Johnson in 1868. And this is crazy. Back in 1868, Andrew Johnson
was also impeached for trying to dig up dirt
on Joe Biden. -Really? -Yeah, what happened today
is historic, and experts are saying
that this is what we’ll remember most about 2019. Then Americans
were like, “Oh, come on. Have you seen Baby Yoda?
Come on.” But Democrats are saying
that it’s a sad day and that they’re in mourning. Some members actually
wore black, while, out of respect,
Chuck Schumer lowered his glasses
even further down his nose. Trump sent dozens of
angry tweets all day. He even tweeted that Democrats
are the ones breaking the law, writing, “How can they do that,
too, and, yet, impeach a very successful
economy plus President of the United States?” Economy plus? You’d think Trump would at
least refer to himself as business class. -Yeah.
-And this was everywhere. -Economy.
-[ As Trump ] I’m economy plus. I’ll take an emergency exit row.
There’s more leg room. -[ As Trump ]
I need the tie room.” -[ Normal voice ]
This was everywhere. During the debate,
a Republican Congressman compared Trump to Jesus. I don’t know. If Trump were Jesus, I’m pretty
sure we’d have seen him turn water into
Diet Coke already, right? Of course, last night,
Trump also sent a six-page letter to
Nancy Pelosi, ranting about impeachment,
the Democrats, and pretty much everything
on his mind. And, today,
he’s even more upset, because Nancy Pelosi
just wrote back, “K.” All day, I saw that
“merry Impeachmas” was trending on twitter. But to make sure everyone
felt included, Democrats were also saying
“happy Donakkah.” -Yeah. -Meanwhile,
during the impeachment vote, Trump actually held
a campaign rally in Michigan,
at the Kellogg Arena. You could tell Trump
enjoyed the Kellogg Arena when he fired Rudy Giuliani
and replaced him with the law firm of
Snap, Crackle, and Pop. I saw that someone
in Ohio just won the $372 million
Mega Millions jackpot. The winner is thrilled, while
the guy who gave him the ticket for Secret Santa just walked
into the ocean. And, finally, I read that
kids are now using money apps instead of
piggy banks. Money apps. It’s gonna get weirder when
kids tell the Tooth Fairy, “Just Venmo me.” Guys, we have a great show.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *