EXCLUSIVE: The Boars Are Coming For Us – A SPECIAL NEWS


Hello everyone, how are you? Are y-you news? I’m news So let’s news. An Ohio man was forced to call the police after being followed home by a wayward Pig While initially assuming it was a drunken prank, the cops were able to arrest and return this wine to its rightful owner. That’s fun, right? Not all Trump and Nazis at some more news. Perhaps this is a YouTube video You can share with your mother. And in other news wild boars are trying to kill your mother This story from Ohio isn’t just indicative of a growing feral pig problem in that state, but of the United States as seen on this map between 1982 and 2017 the u.s Feral pig population is nearly doubled to over 6 million and growing. That’s roughly the population of Los Angeles and Chicago combined There are more boar in the US than there are Norwegians in Norway and look if you if you know this show you might also know that there was an earlier but legally distinct version of this show where I might have implied that a radioactive teleporting boar was F***ing its way across Europe and creating an army of super boar slowly but steadily taking over the planet and And while I could go back and recap all the earlier evidence of this Such as the time a boar erupted from the Baltic Sea and started bullying beachgoers I’d rather show you all the examples of boar attacks that have happened since making the original video in 2017 So let’s go to the timeline April 25th 2017 in Iraq a herd of stampeding boar trample and kill three Islamic state militants. Oh, did I say kill? I meant to say seriously they fucking killed them June 24th 2017 Hong Kong two men including one police officer are hospitalized after attempting to subdue a wild boar in a park and speaking of parks and horror on July 1st 2017 in Singapore a woman needed 60 stitches after being impaled by a boars tusks while enjoying a quiet day at the Windsor Nature Park on October 17 2017 the small city of Hyde Germany was terrorized by a pair of male and female wild boars Presumably swine lovers who injured four people before the man pig was shot and killed by a local hunter The lady boar managed to escape the gunfire and there’s no doubt plotting to reciprocate this very second On to December 4th 2017 in Germany where a hunter was mauled and killed by a wild boar police Say the murderous pigs whereabouts are unknown, but added that it could be in your house possibly waiting in your shower right now December 6th two days later 2017 a school at Higashiyama. Japan goes on lockdown after a swine beast goes boar sh*t in its hallways January 4th 2018 yet another school boaring, this time in Italy injuring one person January 11th 2018 England a man takes his dog for a morning walk Only to be randomly ambushed by a wild boar who bites his finger off for no reason February 2nd 2018 Shanxi Province in China a wild boar murders a man to death while another person Desperately tries to save him by beating the boar with a shovel. It was all captured on security camera footage that to be honest I’m not entirely comfortable sharing with you February (mutters) just hold on a second February 13th 2018 video emerges of a wild boar the size of a fucking bear Rummaging through a dumpster in what has been presumed to be China because it wasn’t enough that boars are raged fuelled locomotives of mangled slaughter they also need to be king-sized and Finally, March 14 2018 in Hong Kong a boar was spotted swimming in the middle of Victoria Harbour like the Loch Ness
monster How did it get there probably teleportation? you know the part where people f***ing died? Well, The ante has been upped in the war between man and swine and in order to level the playing field this particular news Dude would like to discover three things Where did they come from? What do they want from us? What can we do to stop them? Now, we’ve been doing extensive research to find answers to all of this So let’s start with that first question Where did they come from? Nazis! Nazis? seriously, it’s Yeah, all right. Nazis, I guess, which I, I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about, but this is specifically Cow Nazis Okay, so, so this is Just one of several theories, but back during that other period of time when Nazis were growing in power, Two brothers named Lutz and Heinz Heck began experimenting with breeding super cows. A bovine master race, if you will, and Uddermencsch and so naturally by the 1930s the hex cattle work attracted a third reich who began funding the experiments and even appointed Lutz to their forest authority where he branched out to other farm animals, you know, like uh, boar Anyway, while most of the experiments were lost to the war, the hex Nazi cows are not only still around today but extremely aggressive animals. if I was standing here, uh, and, and, some of the more aggressive ones were in this field and They could see me then. He would come right across the there and try and kill you. So theory number one Is that this boar, this boar Teleporting across Europe and feeding off of radioactive energy, is some kind of former Nazi experiment that escaped
during the bombings Second theory. Now, Hear me out between May 28 and October 7th of 1957. The United States government tested nuclear bombs on nearly 1,200 pigs, they literally just took a bunch of swine, brought them to Nevada packed them in some metal tubes and Just, just, nuked them, with, with nuclear weapons 135 pigs in aluminum containers for protection against blast and thermal were exposed to the Franklin shot to determine the effects of combined Neutron and gamma radiation and Straight gamma it was called Operation plumb bob and was considered one of the most controversial nuclear tests due to the high levels of radiation to which people were exposed But what of these pigs? is it possible one survived only to gain some kind of special hog power? There are all kinds of scientific studies on the effects of low-level radiation on various animals. And guess what? It’s not all bad And in fact has produced certain healing properties in mice and sure while it’s true that mice does not equal bore I’d like to call your attention to pig 311 a bore alike creature that managed to miraculously survive the goddamn bikini Atoll tests out of 3352 other animals her medical records were dubbed a military secret before she moved on to live a full life the Smithsonian’s National Zoo Later, her nuclear survival would be deemed a hoax by the newspapers because that’s certainly not a cover-up Come on, sheep people, you, you sheep, you sheeple You human, you shoe, you human sheep hybrids, you, some combination of sheep and a person I don’t know. But if there is a teleporting board dicking around the world spreading his or her cum, you damn Well know the government not only knows about it, but probably caused it But whichever Theory you subscribe to there’s a more important question to be answered. What do they want from us? Well for starters are sweet radiation Obviously remember how I said that the feral pig population is doubled in the US since 1982 Well guess what else has doubled during that time? nuclear power plant construction these goddamn animals love our radiation in Sweden wild boars are gobbling up nuclear mushrooms like they’re… mushrooms Radioactive boar are thriving in both Fukushima and Chernobyl and one study has even found that the presence of high-radiation Also known as the lack of humans actually helps these animals flourish It’s exactly like Planet of the Apes But Bor we humans used radiation to test all sorts of terrible things on pigs and now it’s that same radiation That’s killing us while the pigs take over and they are Taking over a recent report by The Washington Post found that as Japan’s aged population’s been dying off They are being replaced slowly by packs of wild boar as in wild boar are literally Taking over Japan. It’s the perfect storm you guys as Climate change makes the country more habitable for swine the Fukushima disaster Created an unpopulated haven for them to flourish and since there’s already a dwindling population problem It’s a simple matter of people slowly dying out while boar Aggressively move in and you know, what else will dwindle a population? Infertility caused by radiation the kind of radiation you’d be exposed to from one of these blood-hungry squeal hounds Galloping out of the bushes to throttle you and your newborn, baby This is a real threat people they are literally bursting from the ocean and replacing us and if you think I’m Anthropomorphize in the ire of this boar brother and a little too much Keep in mind that not only do pigs have a surprisingly advanced communication system They use to convey warnings and even feelings to one another but they’re also emotionally and cognitively complex Creatures to the point where scientists have labeled them as sentient. That’s right. They have the best words and a very good brain Wouldn’t it make sense that they might be able to pass on hold a species wide grudge for the torment of mankind? What good are we to this corkscrew tailed horde as anything but a target for Revolution? and that brings us to the most important question of all what can we do to stop them? So here in the States, the people tasked with taking on our big hog debacle is the USDA’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service Which has recently experimented with toxic bait in the hopes It will quell the borer onslaught However is being America in 2018 there Of course one setback in the form of massive Drumpf budget cuts and horrendous mismanagement from the Drumpf administration Because this perfectly good news story about a radioactive hog Pocalypse is of course somehow going to involve Donald Drumpf. I can’t get a fucking Moment It’s almost as if Drumpf is secretly aiding the Boer army for personal gain or maybe he’s just waiting to see who comes out on top before he swears allegiance who can say meanwhile in Japan They took a different approach and built a robot wolf Wait is that What wolves look like in Japan? What is the radiation done to this country? This is madness. Is there some like simpler non robotic way we can use science to our advantage w-w-wha, no, that, why, wha-, if you isolate their brains that will just piss them off more and I seriously Can’t stress enough that pigs have the ability to warn others when they are in distress Yes even disembodied pig brains If headlines like these are any indication fans in Ukraine have been given a chance to meet a psychic Pig who will be giving daily forecasts throughout the tournament They reckon he has a nose for predicting winners Psychic fucking pigs you guys a pig that if you notice the news story is from Kiev Which is right next to Chernobyl like they are they’re still eating fucking radioactive food there. Fuck. I- Maybe it’s because I’ve been awake for 63 hours, but I can’t help but feel like I’m spinning my wheels here It seems like no one is taking this problem seriously and offering any kind of practical solution Do we have any other scrap of hope here? Oh Okay So so Denmark is building a 44-mile wall to keep Boar out and, that, it seems like it could work. So I guess let’s build a wall like Like like a big wall To keep these animals from hurting us and replacing us and make America like it was before in the 80s that wou-, that would work r-right like I’m Provided talking about like animals and not a group of people were dehumanizing for some kind of political distraction, but that would That would be pretty shitty, but this This is good So mostly just pictures of Hitler Hey everybody, thank you for watching whatever that video was. I know you liked it So prove it by clicking the like button and subscribing to our Channel and leaving a comment That’s nice and also good or patreon.com slash some more news if you’d like to support us and listen to our podcast even more news to do the same thing and

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