Earthquake News Report – SNL

Earthquake News Report – SNL


>>ACTION 9, NEWS AT 5:00.
NOR CAL’S NUMBER ONE CHOICE FOR NEWS.
>>GOOD AFTERNOON. OUR TOP STORY, A 5.3 MAGNITUDE
EARTHQUAKE RATTLED DOWNTOWN SACRAMENTO THIS MORNING, CAUSING
WIDESPREAD STRUCTURAL DAMAGE. OUR OWN RANDALL FIELDS IS IN
CAPITOL PLAZA. RANDALL, BESIDES THE GROUND,
WHAT’S SHAKING OVER THERE?>>WELL LOTS, CAROL.
AND GIVEN THE SEVERITY OF THE SITUATION, I FOUND THAT
EARTHQUAKE PUN IN VERY POOR TASTE.
I’M HERE AT THE SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION BUILDING WHERE A
PORTION OF THE SECOND FLOOR CAVED IN, TRAPPING SEVERAL
PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE LEGAL CHANGE OF NAME OFFICE BELOW.
I’M TOLD THE BUILDING WAS ESPECIALLY BUSY AS DUE TO THE
PARTIAL GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN OFFICE HOURS HAVE BEEN LIMITED.
JOINING ME ARE TWO GENTLEMEN WHO WERE INSIDE THE BUILDING,
WAITING TO CHANGE THEIR NAMES WHEN THE EARTHQUAKE STRUCK US.
PLEASE, TELL US WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU REMEMBER.
>>YEAH, MY NAME IS DONALD McRONALD.
AND I’M TRYING TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME TO JOHNSON, FINALLY STOP
ALL THE DUMBASS CHILDISH JOKES, WHEN EVERYTHING JUST STARTED
SHAKING.>>YEAH, I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW I
GOT OUT. BUT I’M FEELING —
VERY LUCKY RIGHT NOW. I’M SORRY.
I’M FEELING VERY LUCKY RIGHT NOW.
>>AND YOUR NAME SIR?>>MARK PENIS.
I’LL BE CHANGING IT TO>>RANDALL, I’M SORRY.
I’M GOING TO HAVE TO CUT MR. PENIS OFF HERE.
WE HAVE AN UPDATE FROM SEARCH AND RESCUE OFFICIALS AT THE
SCENE. I’M DR. SHANA STEEL, TRIAGE
COORDINATOR FOR FAMILY MEMBERS WORRIED ABOUT RELATIVES WHO WERE
IN THE CHANGE OF NAME OFFICE. HERE IS A LIST OF RESCUED
INDIVIDUALS TAKEN TO ST. JOSEPH’S MEMORIAL HOSPITAL.
LISA SIMPSON, BILL COSBY, MARIO PARTY, TIE KNEE DICK,
MORGAN MINDY.>>NANU NANU.
SORRY.>>THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ARE AT
SACRAMENTO GENERAL. SIBLINGS GARY, LARRY, AND
MARY POTTER. TACO BELL,
IVAN JERKINOV. PETE OPHELIA
AND KEITH, HOW WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
>>KEITH QUEEF.>>I SHOULD MENTION, THAT WE DID
NOT KNOW MR. QUEEF WAS INSIDE SO WHEN HE CAME OUT IT WAS A
DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE. UNFORTUNATELY, WE ARE STILL
SEARCHING FOR A REED TODD.>>YEAH, HEY, WE DON’T SAY THAT
WORD ANYMORE.>>/
>>OKAY, LET’S CHECK BACK IN WITH RANDALL FIELDS.
RANDALL, WITH THIS EARTHQUAKE, ANY IDEAS WHO’S AT FAULT?
>>NOBODY IS AT FAULT CAROL, AND AGAIN, I FIND YOUR EARTHQUAKE
JOKES VERY INAPPROPRIATE. I AM STANDING HERE WITH A
CIVILIAN WHO HELPED GET LOTS OF FOLKS OUT SAFELY.
SOME ARE EVEN CALLING HIM A HERO.
MR. ALAN HITLER.>>OH, PLEASE DON’T SAY HERO,
AND PLEASE DON’T SAY MY LAST NAME.
JUST USE AN INITIAL.>>WELL, BASED ON YOUR ACTIONS
TODAY, THE ONLY THING YOU SHARE WITH THAT OTHER HITLER IS THE
LAST NAME.>>AND UNFORTUNATELY, SOME DNA.
HE’S MY GREAT UNCLE. BUT EVERYONE’S GOT THAT
EMBARRASSING RELATIVE, RIGHT?>>KIND OF, YEAH, AND THANKS FOR
TALKING TO US.>>RANDALL, I’M SORRY, I DO —
I HATE TO INTERRUPT MR. HITLER WHO WE ALL ADMIRE SO MUCH,
BUT DR. STEEL HAS SOME NEW INFORMATION.
>>MOMENTS AGO A SEARCH TEAM RESCUED THIS YOUNG BOY
WHO CAME TO CHANGE HIS NAME AND DIDN’T TELL HIS PARENTS BECAUSE
HE FELT THEY WOULD BE MAD. MOM, DAD, REST EASY.
HOLDEN TWODICKS IS SAFE. HE IS A GREAT KID.
HE HAS GOT US ALL SMILING DOWN HERE.>>WHAT A RELIEF FOR THOSE
PARENTS AS I AM SURE THEY LOVE HOLDEN TWODICKS MORE THAN
ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. I’M HERE WITH TWO MORE FOLKS
ABLE TO GET OUT THANKS TO MR. HITLER.
THIS IS JULIA AND I MAY GET SENSORED HERE AS HER LAST NAME
SOUNDS CLOSE TO THE N WORD. JULIA [ BLEEP ].
I’M HEARING THAT IT WAS SENSORED.
>>>>IT’S TOO CLOSE TO — YOU KNOW
IT WAS GOING TO BE CLOSE.>>WHILE IT IS SPELLED THE SAME
WAY, IT’S PRONOUNCED LIKE CIGAR.>>BUT HE SOUNDED LIKE HE SAID
THE N WORD WITH A BRITISH ACCENT.
>>SOUND ADVICE FROM MRS. –>>MORE WITH JULIA N AND
DR. DONNA DIDDADOG AFTER THE BREAK.
>>COMING UP, MORE ON THE SITUATION DOWNTOWN WHERE THE
MAYOR IS SCHEDULED TO SPEAK.

Comments

  1. Post
    Author
  2. Post
    Author
  3. Post
    Author
  4. Post
    Author
  5. Post
    Author
  6. Post
    Author
  7. Post
    Author
  8. Post
    Author
  9. Post
    Author
  10. Post
    Author
  11. Post
    Author
  12. Post
    Author
  13. Post
    Author
  14. Post
    Author
  15. Post
    Author
  16. Post
    Author
    jordon degroote

    The jokes are so good they are blinding us from the fact that no major building would ever collapse in a 4.3 magnitude earthquake…

  17. Post
    Author
  18. Post
    Author
  19. Post
    Author
  20. Post
    Author
  21. Post
    Author
  22. Post
    Author
  23. Post
    Author
  24. Post
    Author
  25. Post
    Author
    Subscribe to me for no absolute reason

    If only they had Moe Lester, Ben Dover, Dixie Normous, Jack Goff, Jack P. Ness, Test Tickles, Saul T. Nuts and Hugh Janus

  26. Post
    Author
  27. Post
    Author
  28. Post
    Author
  29. Post
    Author
  30. Post
    Author
  31. Post
    Author
  32. Post
    Author
  33. Post
    Author
  34. Post
    Author
  35. Post
    Author
  36. Post
    Author
    lunayoshi

    I love how it's in Sacramento and 4-pointer did so much damage, lol. I hope people realize that's a giant joke also.
    EDIT: For clarity, California architecture is designed to withstand up to 7.0-ish earthquakes, so such a minor jerk of an earthquake would have done pretty much nothing unless that was a really really crappy building.

  37. Post
    Author
  38. Post
    Author
    Shougo Kawada

    I couldn't help wondering why the woman doctor looked so familiar and then it dawned on me – it's the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel!!

  39. Post
    Author
  40. Post
    Author
  41. Post
    Author
  42. Post
    Author
  43. Post
    Author
  44. Post
    Author
  45. Post
    Author
  46. Post
    Author
  47. Post
    Author
  48. Post
    Author
  49. Post
    Author
  50. Post
    Author
  51. Post
    Author
  52. Post
    Author
  53. Post
    Author
  54. Post
    Author
  55. Post
    Author
  56. Post
    Author
  57. Post
    Author
  58. Post
    Author
  59. Post
    Author
  60. Post
    Author
  61. Post
    Author
    ArtemisScribe

    Sometimes a writers room gets to 5pm on a Friday and say to themselves "Break out the list of silly names!"

  62. Post
    Author
  63. Post
    Author
  64. Post
    Author
  65. Post
    Author
  66. Post
    Author
  67. Post
    Author
  68. Post
    Author
  69. Post
    Author
  70. Post
    Author
  71. Post
    Author
  72. Post
    Author
  73. Post
    Author
  74. Post
    Author
  75. Post
    Author
  76. Post
    Author
  77. Post
    Author
  78. Post
    Author
  79. Post
    Author
  80. Post
    Author
  81. Post
    Author
  82. Post
    Author
  83. Post
    Author
  84. Post
    Author
  85. Post
    Author
  86. Post
    Author
  87. Post
    Author
  88. Post
    Author
  89. Post
    Author
  90. Post
    Author
  91. Post
    Author
  92. Post
    Author
  93. Post
    Author
  94. Post
    Author
  95. Post
    Author
  96. Post
    Author
  97. Post
    Author
  98. Post
    Author
  99. Post
    Author
  100. Post
    Author

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *