Alright, we’re going live in five Four Three (Silent) Two (Silent) One ♫ News Music ♫ Good morning to America and to our great leader, Theodore Roosevelt, may he remain merciful as he outlives us all. Our top story today: A new city-state quest from Geneva, But first barbarians approach from the south, the scout that has brought us that previous headline and his untimely demise. Thought we were going with the Geneva story first. It just got pushed back, we had a couple big headlines come through at the last minute. Alright, as long as we get to it. Barbarians eventually outran the pursuing military forces, who say that they probably won’t come back. Next up: Geneva! A city-state in turmoil. A line of armed forces was seen just outside their borders yesterday- Oh! We got a new story in. I’m sorry, we have breaking news. The scout that died in the barbarian attack is available for a promotion. Some point out that the scout is, as we mentioned, Dead. Others ask, “Why do we still have scouts?” What? What was that? He was in the middle of talking! I know, but this one came through and I had to push it back. It’s… it’s a ratings thing. I know how ratings work! I want this story to go through! It’s very important! Okay! It’s up next. Back to our main story for today, government officials are concerned that our influence with nearby city-states may be slipping, due to hostile interference. Wait. I’m getting an update, this is breaking news! A natural wonder has been discovered. The Cliffs of Dover have been spotted along the south shore. Scholars wonder how we knew what those were before we had ever seen them, but the world may never know. What was that? It’s not my decision, it’s our viewers! They’re not interested in hearing about city-state politics. It’s my decision, I’m the producer, and we’re covering the Geneva story! And we return again to the sad and boring tale of city-states. The conflict in Geneva has spread to others in the region. Scythia has taken military action against four city-states, and two of them have been captured since I started talking. Brussels has requested that we ally with them against Scythia, but the government has not yet made a decision, saying in an official statement: “Ehh.” Our viewers are dropping. This is vital information that is directly impacting our country. The executive director is threatening to cancel us in the next ten seconds unless we talk about something else. Fine. Do whatever makes people happy. Hold up, breaking news everyone, new continent discovered! That’s right, an entire new chunk of land has been found and you’ll never guess what it’s full of, unless you guessed barbarians. There are so many that they seem to have formed their own civilization, which they call “Sumeria.” Ignoring things happening around us doesn’t keep them from happening to us. It’s not our job to protect people. We notify them about what’s happening and they either listen or they don’t. And by “they,” I mean our immortal leader who watches our every move. Praise be, but we’re a news station, and we’re just listing headlines! Breaking news: three improvements pillaged. Also, breaking news: a city starving. And later, breaking news: a spy killed. Further explanation will have to wait because breaking news: barbarians approach from the south. Again. WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT BARBARIANS?!?! Have you been outside? They’re everywhere. Breaking news: the leader of Japan has fallen unconscious and been replaced by an artificial intelligence! Nope! He’s back. He’s fine, everything’s fine. Can you tell a story like a normal person, please? I’m going to keep reading whatever you put in front of me. Breaking news: Yoloism has spread to Funkytown. WHY AM I EVEN HERE? Breaking news: Scythia has declared war on America! That’s right, the country that you live in! I did not see that coming! What do you– they’ve been capturing every city-state around us one by one! Oh…that’s why it was important…. That’s it! I quit! I’m done with this job! I should’ve been a builder! I could’ve been retired by now! *grunting in Barbarish* WHY ARE THERE BARBARIANS IN HERE!?!? Breaking news: unit killed. Tadda Hey everybody! That video was filmed at a place called The Studio. It’s an arts studio in Cedar Park, uh, run by Joe Fiacco; he’s the guy who taught me how to draw and do art things. I started working there teaching animation, and started teaching Ethan, and that’s how we met. And now I work there. And Ethan currently works there. There’s usually a free intro class, you can go in and first time, just test out the waters, see if you like it. Let ’em know that we sent you in, and you’ll probably get special treatment, because we now them very very well. You’ll probably get a high five and a Dr Pepper. Real Villain?