At This Point in the Broadcast: Pennies


-If you don’t mind,
there’s something that has been bothering me
that I just feel like I need to get off my chest. So, this morning,
I go down to my coffee place and I ordered
my morning doughnut, which is supposed to be
75 cents, but with taxes,
it comes out to $1.01. And I didn’t have a penny. And I’m sorry,
but I have to say this — it is time to get rid of
the damn penny. -At this point in the broadcast,
Seth launched into a 60-second obscenity-laden tirade about
pennies and how they are a useless type of currency. Network policy prevents us
from broadcasting his comments, but do to a technical issue,
we were forced to air this portion of the show. In short, Seth believes pennies
are just shiny, orange trash, and the only
thing they’re good for is scraping gum off his shoes. He went on to say,
“Pennies cost more to make than they’re actually worth, much like my potato dolls.” He then proceeded to pull out
two small potato dolls and place them neatly
on his desk. He identified them as
Beatrice and Buxbaum. He said they were to be treated
as his children. Seth then said,
“If you’re going to give me a penny for my thoughts,
I’m only going to give you a thought that’s worth a penny.” For example, I think grapes
are jealous of raisins for their skinny bodies
and effortless California vibe. He then took aim at “the take a
penny, leave a penny” tray, saying, “If we’re taking
and leaving things arbitrarily, why not take a sandwich,
leave a soda, take a sweater, leave a shoe,
take a Rolex, leave a fish?” At which point a man in
the audience replied, “Someone took my Rolex
earlier today. Was it you?” To which a guilty-looking Seth
said, “I would never.” To which the man replied,
“Then why am I wearing this fish around my wrist.” To which Seth said,
“Maybe it’s one of those fish that tells time.” At which point, the man asked
the fish, “Do you tell time?” At which point the fish replied, “Hey, it’s 5:00
somewhere, baby.” To which Seth and the man both
heartily agreed and then proceeded to crack open
a couple of tallboys. He then pulled out
different coins and began voicing controversial
opinions about them. Of the quarter, he said,
“Too big and too fat.” Get your ass to the gym,
and we’ll talk.” Of the dime, “Smaller than a
penny but worth 10 times more. Dude must have a huge dong.” He then lifted up a nickel and
said, “Nickel is perfect. Nickel is all.” He then kissed the nickel and asked the audience not to
tell his wife. Seth then declared that
picking up pennies wasn’t actually good luck, adding, “Just look how it turned
out for Abe Lincoln. Dude is on the penny
and he got shot in the head by some incel in a theater.” At which point
the real, live Abraham Lincoln approached the desk and said, “Actually, the bullet went in
one ear and out the other. I’m fine.” To which Seth replied,
“Oh, my God. I’m so glad you’re alive.” Seth then asked Lincoln why he
always wore such a tall hat. Lincoln said, “Where do you
think I keep my snacks?” “You have snacks in there?”,
said Set. “Why don’t you find out for
yourself,” said Lincoln. Lincoln then took off the hat and invited Seth
to reach inside, which he did, but then pulled
his hand back quickly, saying, “Something in
there bit me.” At which point Abe Lincoln simply began laughing loudly
and maniacally. At this point, one of the show’s
stagehands, Kenny Coyle, called his wife and said, “Honey, remember that dream
I’ve been having? It just happened in real life.” NBC would like to ask viewers to
disregard Seth’s opinions about pennies,
as they do not reflect the network’s position
and do not make any sense. We now resume our broadcast. -Because a penny saved is
a penny that can kiss my ass! Whoo! That felt good to
get off my chest. Up top, Abe Lincoln! We’ll be back with Ari Melber. And keep the change,
you filthy animal.

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